Hi Ladies,
Let’s resume our discussion of the controlling man and his potentially problematic traits. This SAVED – BUT fellow deserves thorough consideration before you commit to him in marriage.
The Controller – Part Two
The handling of money is a major issue with a Controller. Finances can be problematic in any relationship, but especially when a woman marries after being an independent single. Usually she’s accustomed to earning and spending her own income, and making her own decisions, and she may react with disbelief or defiance when expected to hand over salary to a controlling husband. Such conflicts can destroy a marriage, but money may be a topic the couple never discussed before the wedding.
Another area of control could be his development of a suddenly distaste for all her other attachments, which the controller will cloak as anticipation of togetherness with his new wife. In his opinion she needs no one else in her life, and that would include anyone who was around before he arrived. They’re her past; he’s her present and future.
The new controlling husband may try to limit the time she spends talking to her mother, or suddenly become resentful and suspicious of her girlfriends. He may even pressure her to distance herself as much as possible, either physically or emotionally, from her children from a previous relationship. She must demonstrate the depth of her love for him by how much she is willing to give up in order to make him happy.
Systematically, this type of man will attempt to cut off every option and shut every door to what he considers to be outside interference, or people who have undue influence over his wife. All ‘extraneous’ attachments must be reduced to the barest minimum. Maybe he decides to kick her beloved dog out, or make her pampered cat live outside. Perhaps he’s picked a fight with her sister, then forbidden her from entering their home, or decreed that his wife won’t be buying her kids all those Christmas presents anymore in “his” house. Regardless of specifics, the point is about control.
How could a woman have gotten into such a situation? She might actually have been caught unawares. It was never a concern before, because while courting, he seemed to be all kindness and attentiveness to her youngsters. She was convinced that he would love and be a good father to them. He was gracious to her friends and charming to her mom. He petted the dog and tolerated the cat, but after the marital covenant was sealed, his true nature surfaced, and he made a 180-degree turn.
However, it’s very likely that, as a Believer, God did show her some warning signs which were either overlooked or misinterpreted. Perhaps he was silent and uncommunicative around her friends and family, but she attributed his coldness to unfamiliarity, expecting he’d warm up as soon as he got to know them better. Instead, she discovers that he was merely biding his time, and as soon as he could slam the door on them, he gave it a shove, and only her foot in the door is holding it open.
There were probably other evidences of his controlling nature in what he was saying. A man will tell you all about himself, will reveal who he is, and what he thinks about everything under the sun, if a woman knows how to listen. Never dismiss or disbelieve his words – he is dispensing vital information that you should not choose to ignore.
If he is critical of how you dress, or how you handle your children, or your relationship with your parents, pay attention…such attitudes seldom reverse themselves inside marriage. And if he’s closed off and emotionally unavailable, speaking little and revealing nothing of substance about himself during the early stages of your interaction, that too communicates important insights to consider. Whatever issue is nagging at the back of your mind about him may well be Holy Spirit whispering a warning for you to wait and investigate. As always, seek and obey the Voice of the Lord!
We’ll consider more SAVE – BUTs next week…Joy and Shalom!
Jo Lynne Pool
jo lynne pool - Love in The Book.org 