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Hi Ladies,

Let’s continue to examine premarital intimacy. This activity is not the culmination of possible problems. Thankfully, if we succumb to the lure of sex before marriage, God can forgive it just like any other transgression, but the effects on a blossoming relationship are likely to be far greater than most women realize.

1 Thessalonians 4:3, 4 – “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor.”

Romans 6:12 – “Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, so that you obey its lusts.”

Ephesians 5:3 – “But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you…”

The Anti-Marriage Effect:

What happens when we choose to proceed? Initially there may appear to be few consequences, assuming the guy sticks around. Often, however, to the woman’s surprise and shame, after he’s enjoyed her sexual favors, he disappears. He’s off again in search of another prize, or challenge, or maybe a lady not so easy to bed.

If a relationship does develop, the man will expect continued access to her body as part of their interactions, and she must remain available to him. A downward spiral begins. Although women can be the aggressor, in the typical scenario, his initial lack of self-control and urgings for physical intimacy are what induces her to set aside her standards and disobey God. But she looks to him to be the leader in their relationship, and trusts that he will do whatever is right. For most Christian ladies who interact sexually with a man on a consistent basis, the ‘whatever is right’ that she expects is a diamond ring and a wedding.

When she consents to having sex with him, she sees it as offering a very special show of her affection. She gives her body in order to be able to share her heart and emotions with him as well. And if he’s interested, the fellow will make every effort to respond. What she may not realize though, is that subconsciously, her trust in him has been damaged. It may seem to be only a small break, like the one in the photo, but it’s what the Bible refers to as a “little fox” (Song of Solomon 2:15) that can gnaw away in her mind. After months or even years of awaiting a proposal she may begin to suspect his motivations. And what other aspects of their relationship are also lacking? Seeds of doubt start to sprout.

After the marriage takes place, her new husband will relax. Even if they’ve lived together before the wedding, marriage itself will change the dynamics of their interaction. The probationary period is over, and there’s no longer the necessity for best behaviors or play acting. He becomes, if not exactly insensitive to her emotional needs, certainly less attentive to them. She’s his now, and he expects her to continue to respond to him with little additional effort on his part.

His growing lack of attention makes her wonder if he actually does love her. If he did, surely he’d care more about her desires. She begins to hold back just a little on an emotional level, and possibly also physically, believing that he’ll notice the change and will wonder what’s wrong.

But this tactic seldom works out as intended. He’ll notice her coolness alright, and will likely respond by becoming demanding, accusatory or critical, rarely by becoming more emotionally sensitive. Now confronting a passively, or actively aggressive, hostile man, she feels her worse fears have been confirmed. “He really doesn’t love me”, and her withdrawal deepens. Eventually both partners become entrenched in their defenses, and the marriage grows cold.

This process is usually evident in the loveless, sexless marriages that can develop over time. Of course, it’s far from being the only interaction that generates problems, but premarital intimacy is a root cause of much marital distress and is often behind the divorces so commonplace in the church world now.

There are further marital consequences that we’ll examine next week…Joy and Shalom!

Jo Lynne Pool