Hi Ladies,
The men we’ve discussed so far have problems with acting out in a physical way. But there are other fellows in God’s “red flag” category who are even more challenging because their issues are internal, ingrained personality traits.
These troubling guys may be Believers who have experienced genuine conversion. But their adverse characteristics are unaffected by their salvation status, because as far as their relationship with Christ is concerned, they’re irrelevant. However, there could be major consequences for the woman who chooses to become his wife.
The Controller:
This SAVED – BUT trait can be difficult to detect in the early stages of a relationship. The controlling man may seem to have many admirable attributes, and his attempts to manage her might not seem so bad to a smitten woman. As Believers, we ladies tend to expect and respect a man’s ability to lead, while he himself operates under the control of God. 1 Corinthians 11:3 notes “But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.” The problem here not necessarily with the concept, but with the degree of control.
In God’s design for marriage, the husband is responsible for his family, and the Lord gives or confirms His directions to them through him. However, the man with a controlling nature has poor discernment. Instead of evaluating the realities and the capabilities of those under his charge, he fears their independence, and believes in supervising every aspect of their lives.
Rather than partnership, this guy is into ownership. He has a confused idea of the role of authority. And he is oblivious to the fact that the headship which God assigned to him brings the responsibility to meet his family’s true needs. As time passes trouble will brew, for as Proverbs 29:18 admonishes, “Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint.” His family, especially the children as they grow older, will encounter and create much strife as they attempt to escape his chains.
In reality, the controlling man’s hold on authority is weak and he knows it. He may honestly believe that he knows best, but the failure of others to follow to his rule can make him feel threatened and insistent. Inside he may fear that he’s not truly equipped to handle the tasks that God has entrusted to him, so consequently he overcompensates. His control issues will manifest in various ways to his wife and family.
He may attempt to control them by giving or withholding love. Or like the angry man, he can resort to displays of temper or physical violence, but his actions will be more deliberate than the impulsively abusive man. He’s ‘from the old school’ which tolerates no backtalk or dissent from anyone under his command.
With a young wife, he’ll be a dictator who doesn’t want her to return to school or pursue a career. If he’s chosen an accomplished woman, she may lack self-esteem in relationships. She’ll put up with his controlling personality as a means of ensuring his love, and he will then launch a campaign to change her with constant complaining or criticism.
Often, he will seize control of the money in “his” household as soon as the vows are sealed, believing that the person who handles the finances controls the home. But his attitude may come as a very unpleasant surprise to his spouse. How was she to know he’d try to put her on an allowance, or parcel out dollars and supervise her every purchase?
Or perhaps he’ll relinquish financial affairs but seeks to control her activities. He insists on clocking her whereabouts or monitoring her friendships. A particularly ugly variation of this urge to control is the man who immediately after the wedding displays an unexpected dislike toward his new wife’s friends, parents, kids, relatives, dog, or cat. Before the marriage, he was the essence of caring and concern for them all, but now he executes an about-face. Big problems are ahead!
More on the controller next week…Joy and Shalom!
Jo Lynne Pool
jo lynne pool - Love in The Book.org 