Single & Married Ladies – Is He Mad?

Hi Ladies,

Let’s continue the “Saved – Buts”, fellows who are in the Body of Christ, but who may prove problematic as mates.

The Angry/Abusive Man:

Yes, we are still discussing a Christian here, but he comes with a crucial potential drawback. This personality trait is not a problem to take lightly… reports appear daily of women injured or killed by men they were involved with. And the sad reality is that guys with anger control issues, capable of inflicting both mental and physical damage upon those they profess to love, do exist among Believers.

Like the addict, this guy undoubtedly displayed these characteristics long before he received Christ as Savior, and God likely equipped him to control his aggressive tendencies. However, as time passes, unless his salvation experience was totally transformative, anger may be a personality trait that he retains. Even if seldom displayed, it can lurk quietly beneath his calm demeanor, awaiting only the right trigger to erupt into acting out.

Fortunately, if abusive tendencies or a hair trigger temper are part of a man’s personality, there will be signs before you marry. Unfortunately, however, a woman who is falling in love may consciously disbelieve or wish them away.

Proverbs delivers ample warnings against involvement with an angry man, and anger is always present in the mindset of an abuser. In the NT, Ephesians 4:31 lists among the sins of the flesh, “anger” and its more intense expression, “wrath”. Additional biblical cautions: Ephesians 4:31; Ecclesiastes 7:9; Proverbs 29:22; Colossians 3:8; Proverbs 14:17 and James 1:19, 20.

For a Believer, abusive manifestations generally begin with small instances of carnal behavior and reverting to the ‘old man’, with yelling, or a swiftly upraised strike hand quickly lowered and ignored. Next comes heated arguments or verbal attacks that flare up over insignificant disagreements. The fellow who reacts with unusual vehemence, out of proportion to the offense, or in response to a petty argument, is signaling that he doesn’t have full control of his temper.

Not every angry man will lash out, but the potential always exists that his anger outbursts may devolve into physical violence. The believing fellow who struggles against an abusive nature may try hard to curb his actions and flare ups may be few. However, a love for God doesn’t automatically imply that he has mastery over his wrath.

A man capable of attacking his lady usually has an emotional or self-esteem issue that will permit him to justify his behavior. Afterward, he may apologize profusely, but underneath he’s defensive and unrepentant, rationalizing that “She made me do it.” And rest assured, ‘she’ will make him do it again. Always listen carefully to what a man tells you because God may be revealing problems ahead. Has your fellow ever “jokingly” threatened to hit you or told of striking another woman? If you see aggression during courtship, understand that marriage will not change him…only the Lord can.

A woman in an abusive marriage is usually confused about the situation. She’s confronting “a double-mind man, unstable in all his ways” (James 1:8). His control over her rests upon a dichotomy – the angry, irrational, violent bully must be balanced by the tender, understanding lover in order to hold her. When her kind, caring fellow first dissolves into an angry beast, she may blame herself, trying anything she can to make her beloved companion reappear. It is the knowledge that the good man she loves is still within the monster that makes her stay.

Of course, God can change this man if he submits to Holy Spirit and follows the command in Ephesians 5:25 – “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” But if you are considering becoming his spouse, you must realize and acknowledge what he struggles against. Although your guy may be a Believer in Jesus Christ, if he is unable to effectively respond to provocation or to his own destructive emotions, danger lies ahead. You must enter this marriage covenant only with your eyes open wide, and with God guiding every step of the way.

More Saved-Buts next week…Joy and Shalom!

Jo Lynne Pool