The CONTROLLER

Hi Ladies,

Last week we began the discussion of this male personality trait, and there’s still more to consider! As always, if he has experienced salvation and truly loves The LORD, his actions are not irreversible, and he isn’t a lost cause as a husband.  But it is essential that a woman considering marriage understands who and what she is dealing with because his actions will impact her entire life.

The controlling man may display few signs during courtship, but he can blossom into a full control freak after marriage. Usually he will seek to curtail his new wife’s activities, insisting on clocking her whereabouts, or monitoring her friendships.  A particularly ugly variation of this is the man who immediately after the wedding displays an unexpected antipathy toward her friends, parents, kids, relatives, cat or dog.  Before the marriage he was the essence of caring and concern for them all, but now he executes an about-face.

He may cloak his actions as an expectation of togetherness with his new wife. After all, the Bible says in Genesis 2: 24 that “A man should leave father and mother, and cleave to his wife.”  In his opinion that should include her leaving anyone who was around before he arrived.  They’re her past;  he’s her present and future.  Unfortunately he’s not likely to notice or care that the biblical directive is for the man.

Instead he will complain about the amount of time she spends talking to her mother, or become resentful and suspicious of her friends. He may even pressure her to distance herself from her children, either physically or emotionally.  She must demonstrate the depth of her love by how much she is willing to give up to keep him happy.

Systematically, this man will attempt to break off every connection that he considers outside interference, or that he feels has undue influence over his spouse. Perhaps instead of driving off her girlfriends, he wants to kick her beloved dog out, or make her pampered cat live outside.  Maybe he’s forbidden her sister from entering “his” home, or decreed that she won’t be buying her kids all those Christmas presents anymore in “his” house.  Regardless of the specifics, the point is about control.

How could a woman have gotten into such a situation? Actually, she may have been caught unawares because while they were courting, he seemed to be all kindness and attentiveness to her youngsters.  She was convinced he’d love and be a good father to them.  He was gracious to her pals and charming to her mom.  He petted the dog and tolerated the cat, but after the pact was sealed, his true nature surfaced and he made a 180 degree shift.

But God probably did reveal some warning signs, which were either ignored or misinterpreted. Perhaps he was silent and uncommunicative around her people, but she attributed his coldness to unfamiliarity, expecting him to warm up as he got to know them better.  Instead, she discovers that he was merely biding his time, and as soon as he could slam the door on them, he gave it a shove.

There were likely other signs of his controlling nature in what he was saying. A man will tell you what he thinks about everything under the sun, and will show exactly who he is if a woman understands how to listen.  Never dismiss or disbelieve his words – he is giving out vital information that it would be wise not to  ignore.  And if he is closed off and emotionally unavailable, speaking little and revealing nothing of substance about himself during the early stages of your relationship, that too is a form of communication not to disregard.  Whatever issue is nagging at you about him may well be the Holy Spirit issuing a warning.

Pray that God will uncover any problems and that His Will shall be done in your relationship, BEFORE you marry. If you decide to love a controller, keep him lifted in prayer, and above all, proceed with godly caution.

Until next Wednesday… JOY AND SHALOM!